The day cancer died and my sister was set FREE

My sister is gone.
How do I begin to process the regrets I have, or the finality of life here without her, or unlock the depths of my heart to risk feeling whatever may be inside?

(This is especially difficult to do with my 20 month old bursting into the room butt-naked with his diaper in hand!)

Back in May, I was able to pop in and see Amanda for a God-ordained visit.  As soon as I pulled into the parking spot outside of her building, my husband called and said he had something to tell me.  Kent had just given him the latest update from the hospice team.  Amanda had two weeks to live.  I was floored.  But as some of us Reimers do, I swept my emotions under the rug so I could deal with them privately.  I walked in the front door, hugged Kent, and that rug came flying up.  We ended up crying together over Chipotle bowls.  I wasn't prepared to see Amanda looking so weak and sick.  Her decline was so sudden.  I mean just a few weeks earlier, I told her the secret that we were pregnant and we watched "Frozen" together on her living room couch.  We spent a cherished five or six hours together that day cuddled up on her big bed.  We poured through boxes of special mementos and her teenage journals laughing at the poetic drama and godly heart of teenage Mandy.  This is where I have to recount a childhood memory Amanda shared with me.

Amanda was in the 3rd or 4th grade and her school assignment was to create a new animal and write a story about it.  Amanda wrote an endearing tale about a creature that was both a frog and a duck.  She innocently and affectionately named this animal a Fuck.  Naturally, the teacher pulled Amanda aside and told her she had to rename her animal.  I can only imagine how hard it must have been for her teacher to hold her laughter in!  THIS is how Amanda's writing journey began!

Amanda was not yet aware of her two week timeline, but I took the opportunity to tell her how much she meant to me and that I owed her thousands of unsaid thank you's for the countless acts of service and generosity she showed me through the years.  We also talked about my emotional journey in trying to wean and sleep train Cash.  She offered me a sincere affirmation that I hold close to my heart.  She scribbled in her notebook that my role is to nurture Cash into a godly man who will bless others.  Essentially, these difficult steps in parenting are for the greater good and God's glory.  I fondly cherish the time we spent together that afternoon.

Two weeks went by.
Then a month went by.
Would she make it to her husband Kent's military promotion?
Would she make it to her 25th wedding anniversary?
Indeed, she did.
The beauty of technology is that she was able to watch Kent's promotion ceremony through Facetime.
A few more weeks passed.
And we waited.
And we waited - all of us aching for her suffering to end.

Monday the nurses confirmed that her breathing had changed, her heart rate had slowed and her passing would be within hours.  I still can't believe my phone was on silent when I went to bed that night, but I am thankful for this littlest baby growing within me who sits on my bladder and woke me at 3am.  I checked my phone for the time and was surprised to see text messages from my mom and Kent.

"She's gone."

I was out the door in 10 minutes and drove the mile to Jay's house.  I banged on my brother's door to wake him.  I'm very thankful for God's ordained details.  Amber, Jay, and I arrived together at Kent's doorstep.  We met the hospice nurse, hugged Kent tightly, and bid good morning to my mom and aunt.  The lights were on in the house and it felt light-hearted peaceful.  So peaceful.  A quiet joy lingered in the room in spite of the great sadness.  I hurried upstairs to her room.  I was afraid I had missed my chance to see Amanda's body before hospice came for her.  I knew that I needed to see her lifeless shell to get complete closure.  I needed to see my sister - what remained of her.  My aunt Heather was with me as I took in the finality of that moment.

My Amanda who gave the world's tightest and most affirming hugs with all of her strength was truly nothing but a skeleton, a shell of the woman I knew.  She was so skinny.  Cancer starved her body, but not her SOUL!  Her soul has been resurrected!!  Amen and amen!  Oh the sweet joy of knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that Amanda is with Creator Father God (2 Cor. 5:8).

We continued to share stories, memories, and the Truth of God's Word for the next few hours.  What a sweet time together we had.  Then hospice arrived to take Amanda's body away.  Now, this woman rubbed my feet and stayed by my side when I had my c-section with Cash.  She took it very seriously and did not leave until all was said and done.  The least I could do was be there to walk her earthly body out as far as I could go.  We all ended the morning with a hearty breakfast at Snooze.  Amanda was a fabulous home chef and would have wanted it no other way...remembering her through laughter and tears over a yummy meal.

Oh how she will be missed!  As I was journaling last night, God spoke to my heart that Amanda loved others well and I was blessed to be a recipient of her unfailing love for 30 years.  And how many times I have failed to reciprocate that love and to that same measure!!  I am by nature a happy taker and recipient of love, but fearful to love others with the same vulnerability Amanda did.  Oh that I would love others as Amanda demonstrated Christ's love so well.

What brings my heart a great comfort is a single moment that Kent shared with us.  Around 1am, Kent gave Amanda her meds and headed downstairs.  He sat on the couch and opened up his laptop.  To his right, he saw a bright light and looked over.  "Nah, I didn't see anything," he thought.  Then he looked up again, saw a bright light, and felt a very strong presence in the room.  He ran upstairs and Amanda was gone.  Just like that.

Oh friend, do you know how this comforts my soul???  Undoubtedly, Kent saw the supernatural.  Whether it was the soul of Amanda passing by or an angel who was charged to usher her home, I have no idea, but it was something, something supernatural.    As followers of Jesus the Son of God, we walk by faith and not by sight.  Amanda's faith has been made sight.  The joyous reality of the PEACE and WHOLENESS of being with the Savior, being completely right with Him, and all is well.  All is well!  She is HOME.  My faith has long been stale.  My Bible that I so faithfully read every single day for years has been dusty.  My prayers long dried up.  When faced with my own burdens and trials over the past few years, my faith in Christ wavered as I began to look more to my own failing ability to control my circumstances.  I looked everywhere except to Jesus, my Rescuer.  He has stirred something within me.  My soul is awakening again to the pure joy and blessed hope of my relationship with Jesus again.

On a truly rare girls night recently in Balboa Park, a sweet friend and I were discussing hardship and the struggle to find beauty in the midst.  As we looked down past our feet to the cobble pathway and then  looked up to the ornate architecture of the 100 year old building just yards away, the Holy Spirit encouraged me.  "Perhaps we are too busy looking down at the dirt in the cobblestones of our lives, when we ought to be looking up.  See the beauty of the detail in that building.  We could have seen beauty all along, but we were too busy looking down."

Let us look up to Jesus and see His beauty on display.

For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands.

Meanwhile we groan, longing to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling,

because when we are clothed, we will not be found naked. 

For while we are in this tent, we groan and are burdened, because we do not wish to be unclothed but to be clothed instead with our heavenly dwelling, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. Now the one who has fashioned us for this very purpose is God, who has given us the Spirit as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.

Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 

For we live by faith, not by sight. 

We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 

So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 

For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each of us may receive what is due us for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

  

2 Corinthians 5:1-10 

***Please watch the beautiful tribute my brother Justin and his wife Tamara put together.

<iframe src="//player.vimeo.com/video/100264636" width="500" height="375" frameborder="0" webkitallowfullscreen mozallowfullscreen allowfullscreen></iframe> <p><a href="http://vimeo.com/100264636">Tribute to Amanda Reimer Strader</a> from <a href="http://vimeo.com/user4339031">The Elisha Foundation</a> on <a href="https://vimeo.com">Vimeo</a>.</p>

http://vimeo.com/100264636http://vimeo.com/100264636

Amanda and chunky little me

Me, Amber, and Amanda, the beautiful bride

Sisters

My favorite picture of us :)

My beautiful sister and her adoring husband