Weak in the Knees

I've discovered something about myself and I wish this revelation had come ten years ago...before student loans and responsibility.

I've called myself a singer for over 20 years. And it, indeed, is true. I have been performing since before I knew how to read, had formal voice training, majored in Voice in college, once made a living teaching and singing, etc. God has always provided me opportunities to use my voice. Sure, I've always had big dreams, but they were just that - dreams. I've never been agressive about pursuing a career in music. There have always been people in my life to push me in the right direction, people who saw something in me I just couldn't. Somehow I never thought it possible that the Lord could direct my steps and I could be diligent about doing more with music - more than worship on Sunday and an Open Mic gig. I found the problem and here is my confession. I don't believe I'm a great singer who can do great things.

I liken it to someone singing or speaking on a big stage. He can have all the confidence in the world - that is what got him to the stage in the first place. He is good at what he does and people respond to it, but he will still be weak in the knees and they'll tremble and his heart will race. How can fear and confidence possibly go hand in hand?

I've been unknowingly in a state of self-defeat. In thinking about songs I'd love to cover, the very first thoughs that come into my head are, "Nope. I'm not good enough. My voice is too....." I don't even give myself a chance to try for fear of failure. I always picture failure first instead of success. I'm sure some of you relate to this. How can I be so confident that I thrive on big stages performing for lots of people (or I would if given the opportunity) and yet, I'm the one who stops myself from even being diligent to practice a stinking song?

You know why I don't have a huge notebook full of original songs itching to be recorded? I still don't believe I'm a songwriter. Even my producer affirms that I am. This is silly for me to think this way. I mean, really? I've written for another artist and it was produced and now going to be featured in an independent film. Am I really going to still believe this? Are you seeing this picture of a dense woman yet? ;)

You see a funny thing happened last week. Some girlfriends were playing at a hotel next door to our condo, so Jt and I dropped in with some friends. The girls invited me up to play a few songs and so I did. As soon as I sat back down, a manager rushed to our table and wanted to book me on the spot. He wanted to pay me for a 3 hour gig a couple times a month. I was floored! I have been so focused on cutting back on my hairstylist gig and focusing on our new photo booth business that the idea of playing out was NOT in the forefront of my head. Suddenly, it dawned on me that I don't have to wait for things to happen or come my way. I can do it! Being extremely passive is not a mark of humility. Being active is showing confidence in God's workmanship. Jesus, I am proud of the way you made me and I'm going to share it. Thank you!

I am thankful that the Lord is so patient with me. He is blowing me out of the water this year by dropping opportunities my way and, this year, I am going to pursue them with diligence and see what He does in return.

So practically speaking, I am going to start posting some videos of your requests on my youtube channel and my facebook music page. Justin and I are also talking about working on my EP (a short album of 4-6 songs) late summer/early Fall. I'm done talking about these things. I'm now committing to do them!


"Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men,."
Colossians 3:23

In that verse, I find the freedom to pursue the gifts He has given me - for HIS glory!