Ugly Heart.
My oldest grandfather (great great great times 1,000) was a blame-shifter. So was my oldest grandmother. Now the year is 2010 and I, too, am a blame-shifter. It's in our DNA. Upon the discovery of their sin, my super great grandparents, Adam and Eve, each shifted the blame on to someone else and refused to accept responsibility for their actions. Thousands of years later, we are all still shifting the blame and we are all still sinning and we are all in need of being rescued from our sinful selves.
I think I've been committing an "extension" of blame-shifting for years without realizing it. For a long time, blame-shifting (refusing to accept responsibility) has been cloaked in EXCUSES. Logically, they have seemed to be justifications. "Of course I'm feeling this way because look at this circumstance." So, I've excused myself from "sin" because it's seemed fair and natural. For example, I was consistently late for my music history class in community college, and I mean always 10 minutes. (I really owe my prof a repentant I'm sorry/thank you note.) I'm certain I had "justifications" such as traffic or lost keys or something, but, really, I was just NOT managing my time right and should've gotten out of bed sooner. I was doing what I wanted to do, not what I should do. So what has brought this to my heart and my mind?
In stepping back and reflecting on where I was just a few months ago, my circumstances have become quite favorable. I'll spare you the details, but let's just say I had no idea that I had been filling taxes and was in the POVERTY bracket! I was working multiple jobs, difficult jobs, long hours, couch surfing with no space of my own, my singing voice was gone again, my career path was SOO uncertain and out of my reach, lost a treasured friendship, and was dealing with some heavy brokeness among friends. It was a HEAVY year. The LORD is SO faithful to carry us through the hard times and hold our hands through the good. :)
Fast forward to today. My best friend married me and took me home with him. :) I am working one job - the job I enjoy doing- and my business is slowly growing. I get to be at home part-time and figure out how to mange my home by cooking, cleaning, and organizing. My voice is back and music is happening for me this year thanks to local print media, some live shows, and a new EP in the works. Jt and I are working on starting our own business over the next few months, and we're enjoying just settling into our new routine together. These are all truly wonderful and amazing blessings. So why am I not bursting with joy? Why was my heart ugly today? Maybe Justin was right. Maybe I was looking for something to happen so I could be upset.
Maybe it's true. Maybe nothing is every good enough for me. Instead of a heart of gratitude as I'm comparing where I'm at now with where I was, I have a heart of discontentment because I'm looking at what I have now and what I could/should have in the future. Perhaps this doesn't make sense. This might be a ramblefest best saved for my journal as I peel back the layers of my sin. The why to my excuses could run deeper than I'm prepared to admit.
Basically, I'm quick to become discontent - it's a more passive way of complaining, but I am SLOW to take action against it. I need to be thankful and work with what I have. For example, if I were cooking, instead of being discontent about the fact that I don't have any lemons, or I can be thankful for the limes I have and make them work.
Beyond peeling back the layers to my "pet sins," I see my need for JESUS. I've lost sight of Him. My heart has wandered. My focus has shifted. My path has veered and now I'm wandering in ditches filled with the debris of loneliness, doubt, fear, purposelessness, selfishness, a critical spirit, being judgmental, impatient, and utterly lost. I simply need Him to restore the joy of my salvation. Any sort of intimacy takes time and patience. Hollywood likes to say it's like "fast food" - quick and easy. But we all know better. Intimacy with the Lord won't happen overnight, but I know over time, it will grow. I just have to be faithful.
"But godliness with contentment is great gain...pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, gentleness."
1 Timothy 6:6,11b
It's good to recognize the logs in our own eyes, but at the same time, we should spend more time looking at Jesus. But honestly, it is no longer true of any believer that their identity is someone with an ugly heart- you are a new creation now. Be stoked about the fact that Christ has reconciled you to God, that He has taken away your heart of stone (that's the one that's truly ugly), and replaced it with a heart that's capable of beating for Him. He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it, and He's given you everything you need for life & godliness. Stop flogging yourself and run to Jesus!
ReplyDeleteAmen, Brother Jay, preach it to my sistah!! No more heart of stone!!! Hallelujah!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteJesus has already cleansed us. "He who is bathed needs only to wash his feet, but is completely clean;" (Jn 13:10) He tells us to wash our feet---but our body is forever clean!! (In your post you just described cleaning between your toes!)
And we are clothed in HIS righteousness. I like to think of my new clothing, given to me by my King, as He brought me into His house to dwell with HIM, as a beautiful, royal garment like the one Empress Josephine is wearing in the painting of The Coronation of Napoleon. It's enveloping me, covering me, displaying His possession of me, my belonging in His court... You get the picture! It's a warm and secure weight of covering...
I was struck by this painting while visiting the Louvre when I saw her garments in the detailed brushstrokes of the artist. All I could think was how it reminded me of the even more glorious garments I wear!
http://www.art.com/products/p12964537-sa-i2207028/jacques-louis-david-coronation-of-napoleon-in-notre-dame-de-paris-by-pope-pius-vii-december-2-1804.htm?sorig=cat&sorigid=0&dimvals=0&ui=e3805d76e3064e2ba1f90d63d7884c7f&searchstring=napoleon+coronation
Abby, did I give you Jerry Bridges book "Respectable Sins"? If not, you need to get it! It sounds like you have been reading it though because he makes you think and deal with such things as discontent, selfishness (our chapter in Bible study this week! I know two of my selfish things are -- my car and my sewing machine! And there are many more, like don't touch my food!!!! It is all very simple....keeping the cross and His sacrifice always before us because we then have absolutely no excuse for any of these sins!!!! Today's society tries to keep us so frantic with just living. I know I need to simplify something to give me more free time to think. Back to Basics for living! One room, one of everything??! Love you abs, and thanks for sharing your heart. Jay and Amanda, loved your comments too.
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