Struggle vs. Hope

Second Post for the day:

I can't help myself. I was organizing our office and came across old files of journal entries. The New Year always brings reflection of trials and blessings the year brought us. My year was filled with some difficult challenges and life-changing blessings. 2010 ended with blessings abundant! But I wonder if some of you are struggling with faith, love, or dreams too far distant. This is an entry from a few years ago (pre-JT) that marked the darkest season of my life. My heart was conflicted and torn in every way. In the Psalms, David struggled deeply with much anguish, yet his heart was not defeated. His pain was great, but his heart knew there was a Hope.

I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe in trust. I don’t believe it can last. I don’t believe in marriage anymore. I don’t hope for any of those things. I’ve come to find that this dreamworld that’s been painted for me since I was a little girl is practically unattainable. So why does Christ paint the picture of the bride waiting for her bridegroom and how exciting it is? Why is marriage a picture of our relationship with Him? Why? Why when it’s so imperfect here on earth? Can’t I do without that? Why didn’t He just leave it at the Father/Child relationship? Single people can relate to that. Forget intimacy and companionship. Forget love and forgiveness. Forget affection and comfort. Forget laughter and encouragement. Forget all those things. Forget relationships with the opposite sex. I don’t trust hardly anybody actually. My church turned into a bunch of self-centered phonies. Can’t trust them. And they were my family! My Bible study turned into some guys who thought I could sing and that perhaps I was easy on their eyes, but once they found out that I wasn’t available they changed. So much for purely motivated friends. God is the only one who is trustworthy and I told Him no! I told him no! The One who loves me and knows me better than any other! Forget the beauty of creating a baby, carrying it inside my body, and bringing it into this world. Forget teaching it the beauty of life and faith. How cynical am I?! Who is this woman going on like this? I’ve lost it. I’ve lost it all…faith, hope, and love. How tragic.

I do believe heaven has got to be more amazing than I will ever be able to dream or imagine. I believe Christ has to be somehow mind-boggling more amazing and incredible than the best person, moment, memory, or object I’ve ever experienced on this earth. I think I’d like to meet Him now. Course, then I would beg to come back because I’ll have realized how foolishly I lived my life down here. Can I have a do-over?

I don’t want to live in a hard-hearted, fearful, doubting, skeptical doom-and-gloom shell. That’s not me. I hope. I love. I have faith.

Looking forward to the future and putting behind me the past…the past that you’ve forgotten as far as the east is from the west….

Can you relate to this? Are you discouraged? Do you feel defeated? I have good news for you. You are not powerless. You are not a victim. You are not standing still. This is part of your journey. There are hard things you will experience that will mature you whether you like it or not. The richness of Truth will implant itself in your soul more deeply by experience than my mere knowledge. The sweet comfort of our Father will embrace you...you just have to run to Him...as you are. Oh, He is waiting for you!

He satisfies the longing soul and fills the hungry soul with goodness! (Psalm 107:9)

As you can see, this struggle of faith and love lost is in my past. I moved on. I learned. I grew. I will continue to struggle and learn and grow. He is good and He is faithful. Believe it.