It was the night before baby and all through the house...

Jt and I had a beautiful wedding on November 12, 2010.  I still remember emotionally beginning to unravel towards the end of the reception.  The love and support from our family and friends was incredible and overwhelming.   I was also apprehensive about our first night together as husband and wife.  Before I knew it, my new husband and I were walking towards our get away car, hand in hand, beneath bright sparklers as our guests cheered.  As soon as we waved goodbye, my smile melted underneath a floodgate of tears.  Fear suffocated me and Satan's lies were soon piercing my head and heart.  "Look what you've done.  This is it!  Don't screw this up.  You only get married once."  I was so scared of this new journey called marriage.  I'd never been a wife before.  How would I handle the rest of our lives?  What if I failed miserably?  My poor husband looked over in confusion and rubbed my knee, "Are you happy you married me?"  I reassured him that of course, I was!  He was very patient and loving, and we talked about our hopes and fears the entire 2 hour drive to our hotel.   As my new husband kneeled at the foot of the bed and prayed over our marriage and our future, my fears subsided.  

Those emotions are again knocking at my heart as I'm faced with such a life-changing moment in 13 short hours.  There is no turning back.  There never was a turning back moment ever actually.  I've always wanted to be a mommy to a half dozen kids, but now it's so very real.  Tomorrow, I take on the greatest responsibility I've ever been given.  Tomorrow, I am committed heart, body, and soul to this little boy...to train him how to be a man who follows after God and to provide for all of his needs.  And I am scared to death!  Again those thoughts wash over me.  I've never been a mommy before.  I don't know what to do.  What if I fail miserably?  Will it be love at first sight or will we grow together as we learn each other?

Not to mention my fears about what my body is going to go through as well.  Whether natural labor or major surgery, what goes on to a woman's body when delivering a baby is truly a "natural disaster!"  It's earth-shattering, in my opinion.  My mom had 6 of us completely natural - no drugs - and for that, she is my hero!

Here are some of my thoughts about tomorrow's impending c-section and the risks associated with it.

1.  Because of where my placenta is located, the doctors will actually have to cut through the placenta to get to the baby (not a normal c-section thing to do, but necessary in some cases).  All of this will have to happen very quickly and the concern here is that they can stop the bleeding.  I googled all of the worst case scenarios (good and bad idea).  Basically, I am thankful for the prayers of the saints and for the drugs I've requested to knock me out in the event something goes wrong.  Ultimate worst case scenario is that they take my uterus as a final effort to stop bleeding.  So pray for God's hands to be a giant band-aid!

2.   I'll get confirmation from the doctors tomorrow, but because of the placenta's location, the type of incision they will use greatly affects my future deliveries.  If they have to use something called a classical incision, then I will never be able to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean).  I will only be able to have c-sections from this day forward because of the scar tissue that would build on the uterus.  Down the road, a VBAC could cause uterine rupture which is very bad.  

3.  So that also changes our family planning timeline a bit.  There is a strict timeline on how long you have to wait to get pregnant after each baby so that your body can heal.  If we (or I) want to try 4 more babies, we'll have to be very, very careful about that.

So I'm definitely soaking up all of these possibilities and trusting God's leading through it all. 

Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

~ Psalm 20:7

I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

~Psalm 4:8

Again, I keep going back to the fact that God is good and Sovereign no matter what.  None of us were promised health, happiness, riches, or comfort.  But are we incredibly blessed?  Oh, YES!  God rescued me from the pit of sin and adopted me into His family.  He called me His daughter, and because He is King, I am a princess!  Anything else is just a bonus.  The fact that my placenta refused to move to the right place is a direct result of the fall in Genesis.  To go into natural labor is extremely dangerous for the baby and I.  The fact that a baby has to come from my belly and not the birth canal, that something is "broken" is due to Adam's fall.   The fact that others struggle with infertility, with seemingly broken parts is not God's original plan.  It's the curse of Adam's sin.  This world just reminds us that creation is groaning for the Lord's return and aches for Him to make everything right and perfect again...like the Garden of Eden, but even better!